I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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