Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did we literally take a cab across the street
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
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when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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