I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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