: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
