I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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