If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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