I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
