my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
