Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
