Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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