Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
