i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
