Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
