GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
