I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My vagina just recognized that song.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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