new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
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Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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