I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
