you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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