i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
