You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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