Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
