I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
