I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
