This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
