just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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