my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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