Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
