So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
