Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
