i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
