Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
