Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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