I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
