she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
