Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You made out with two different species that night
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
