Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I touched a dick in church today
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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