Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
