Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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