Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
