What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
