Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
