Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
