why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
