so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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