I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
