he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize