I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
