Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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