After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
