I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Randomize
