im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
