Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
