I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
we're so committed to being not committed
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
