Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
