The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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