I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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