For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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